Today I did a headstand without support of a wall for my very first time. Vivekan, my instructor, told us that it is ok to be proud of ourselves sometimes as long as we can see pride for what it is and not take advantage of it.
I was definitely proud of myself and the improvement of my practice.
Prior to this evenings' Bodhisattva class (which is a mixture of intermediate flow, dharma, pranayama, chanting, and meditation)I had been very fearful of coming up into headstand without support of the wall. I feel the same about handstand and forearm stand. I realized how much fear holds us back from improvement so I mustered up every ounce of courage I had and just pulled myself up and brought my legs straight up. Instantly, a huge smile spread across my face and I thought, "So this is how it feels!?!" It wasn't difficult for me to stay up once I was there. It was in me all along and all I had to do was overcome the fear.
Now as I reflect on class, my practice, and this huge lesson I am thinking about all of the other things I don't do in life because of fear.
Earlier today I interviewed for a Yoga Advisor position at another studio. I was proud of myself for my resilience. I fell very hard not too long ago and I've managed to get back up so quickly. I don't know what the outcome will be, but whichever way the chips fall, at least I know that it is possible to remain in this industry and enjoy my practice along the way.
So the next time I attempt a handstand or forearm stand without wall support, maybe I will consider that life is about falling and getting back up again and that's perfectly alright.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Can't Nobody Hold Me Down...
Over the past week or so I have experienced a few minor setbacks. I lost my job at Pure due to a close personal relationship between my now former boss and my ex girlfriend. As anyone in my life can see, this was surely one of the hardest blows I’ve dealt with in a long time. As previously stated, I will be getting pretty personal in order to maintain the honesty and integrity of this blog.
Prior to this I mentioned having recently exited a two year relationship. After a war of words between the two of us, I figured it was all over and we could both be mature enough to stay out of each other’s lives. Apparently, I was wrong.
If this is still vague, it’s only because I don’t want to drudge up the minor details of this drama. It’s long and arduous.
I should just say that my performance was on par with the other two Yoga Advisors and I was only just beginning. I had admittedly been late a couple times and was told not to be late anymore at which point I made sure I was ten minutes early every day following. My alleged “ill performance” was never shared with me and never documented.
I have filed a complaint with the company’s HR department, but so far they have been slow on the uptake.
Of course all of this has affected my practice, unfortunately. I’m finding it extremely difficult to cultivate a large amount of inner peace right now, but I am going to continue on this journey.
I have three job interviews lined up for me already and I am feeling hopeful, even if that’s not the “yogic” way. Two of the three jobs are in the “Yoga Industry."
Two days ago, I bought a class package to a studio in Park Slope, Brooklyn which is where I live. The classes are only Vinyasa levels 1, 2, and 3, but it’s better than nothing. I also have a free week pass to YogaWorks that I intend on taking advantage of!
My practice has slowed down, but it hasn’t stopped and this journey is not coming to an end because it has really just begun.
Even though this has been one of the most challenging times in my life and I feel burned and just sad, I found that I have handled all of this differently than I would have in my past. I don’t know if that’s all because of yoga, but I am proud of myself for not curling up into a ball and for not acting defeated, because I’m not. I still have a long way to go, but something has changed within me for the better.
Prior to this I mentioned having recently exited a two year relationship. After a war of words between the two of us, I figured it was all over and we could both be mature enough to stay out of each other’s lives. Apparently, I was wrong.
If this is still vague, it’s only because I don’t want to drudge up the minor details of this drama. It’s long and arduous.
I should just say that my performance was on par with the other two Yoga Advisors and I was only just beginning. I had admittedly been late a couple times and was told not to be late anymore at which point I made sure I was ten minutes early every day following. My alleged “ill performance” was never shared with me and never documented.
I have filed a complaint with the company’s HR department, but so far they have been slow on the uptake.
Of course all of this has affected my practice, unfortunately. I’m finding it extremely difficult to cultivate a large amount of inner peace right now, but I am going to continue on this journey.
I have three job interviews lined up for me already and I am feeling hopeful, even if that’s not the “yogic” way. Two of the three jobs are in the “Yoga Industry."
Two days ago, I bought a class package to a studio in Park Slope, Brooklyn which is where I live. The classes are only Vinyasa levels 1, 2, and 3, but it’s better than nothing. I also have a free week pass to YogaWorks that I intend on taking advantage of!
My practice has slowed down, but it hasn’t stopped and this journey is not coming to an end because it has really just begun.
Even though this has been one of the most challenging times in my life and I feel burned and just sad, I found that I have handled all of this differently than I would have in my past. I don’t know if that’s all because of yoga, but I am proud of myself for not curling up into a ball and for not acting defeated, because I’m not. I still have a long way to go, but something has changed within me for the better.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Business of...
Every industry has it's drawbacks and yoga ("the Yoga Industry") is no exception. Business is business. It's about money and sales and numbers and operations.
All of this seems so antithetical to Yoga which is about the union of mind, body, and soul- not the union of the aforementioned legs of business.
Since I started working as a Yoga Advisor, I've had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I like and need to make money to sustain myself and I am able to practice as much as I want for free. On the other hand, sales is stressful and not always the most emotionally supportive gig. I work nine hour days and twelve hour days the last four days of the month. I am off of work any two random days of the week. Once a month, I get two days off consecutively.
I suppose I am hoping that I will pick up my numbers so significantly that I end up feeling the support I haven't felt yet. This thought reminds me of an instructor here named Marco. Marco is amazing and one of the most widely followed instructors in New York City. The asanas we practice in his Vinyasa and Slow Flow classes are not as advanced as his philosophies on life.
One thing he says quite often is not to hold onto hope "because on the other side of the coin is fear." And fear blocks intelligence. I'm not quite sure I believe this, but I can see his point.
When we hope something will happen (like we hope there is a heaven after death) it is because we are scared there is nothing and this causes us to fear so instead of being fearful, we use hope as a tool to "get by."
He also refers to savasana (the corpse pose) as a way for us to "rehearse our death."
Who said yoga is all about rainbows, bunnies, and gumdrops?
I am beginning to learn that our yoga practice reflects everything we feel in life. If we are frustrated with ourselves off the mat, we see that emotion on the mat. In tree pose we may find ourselves wobbling more and cannot focus on this delicate balance. It's all very metaphorical.
If we are not at peace in our minds, we find that we cannot access the divine part of us, our spirit. We may not be able to turn inwards and leave the outside world.
In yoga, we must learn to be able to access the divine spirit inside of us, we must learn to create peace and live peacefully.
My favorite yoga sutra is "By cultivating attitudes of friendliness towards the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind stuff retains its undisturbed calmness."
I can only NOT hope that the business of yoga gets easier!?!
All of this seems so antithetical to Yoga which is about the union of mind, body, and soul- not the union of the aforementioned legs of business.
Since I started working as a Yoga Advisor, I've had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I like and need to make money to sustain myself and I am able to practice as much as I want for free. On the other hand, sales is stressful and not always the most emotionally supportive gig. I work nine hour days and twelve hour days the last four days of the month. I am off of work any two random days of the week. Once a month, I get two days off consecutively.
I suppose I am hoping that I will pick up my numbers so significantly that I end up feeling the support I haven't felt yet. This thought reminds me of an instructor here named Marco. Marco is amazing and one of the most widely followed instructors in New York City. The asanas we practice in his Vinyasa and Slow Flow classes are not as advanced as his philosophies on life.
One thing he says quite often is not to hold onto hope "because on the other side of the coin is fear." And fear blocks intelligence. I'm not quite sure I believe this, but I can see his point.
When we hope something will happen (like we hope there is a heaven after death) it is because we are scared there is nothing and this causes us to fear so instead of being fearful, we use hope as a tool to "get by."
He also refers to savasana (the corpse pose) as a way for us to "rehearse our death."
Who said yoga is all about rainbows, bunnies, and gumdrops?
I am beginning to learn that our yoga practice reflects everything we feel in life. If we are frustrated with ourselves off the mat, we see that emotion on the mat. In tree pose we may find ourselves wobbling more and cannot focus on this delicate balance. It's all very metaphorical.
If we are not at peace in our minds, we find that we cannot access the divine part of us, our spirit. We may not be able to turn inwards and leave the outside world.
In yoga, we must learn to be able to access the divine spirit inside of us, we must learn to create peace and live peacefully.
My favorite yoga sutra is "By cultivating attitudes of friendliness towards the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind stuff retains its undisturbed calmness."
I can only NOT hope that the business of yoga gets easier!?!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Lotus Grows Out of Mud and Muck
I am writing "Lotus in Bloom" as a way to reflect on everything I am learning from practicing and living yoga. Throughout this blog I am going to be completely and maybe even uncomfortably honest about my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual state so that I (and anyone else reading this) can properly evaluate any changes and transformations that may occur.
Recently, I have exited a two year relationship and left my office job in Manhattan to work full time in a yoga studio as a "Yoga Advisor" (which is essentially yoga sales). My job history consists of a mixture of dull office assistant jobs to the ever exciting but not quite as stable sales positions. I generally prefer sales because it offers me a sense of independence and creativity. I left my previous (salary + full benefits) gig for my current job for a few reasons.
1) The Yoga Industry is a rapidly growing industry worth $6 billion in the U.S. alone.
2) I wanted to work somewhere I felt emotionally supported and balanced.
3) I wanted to practice yoga.
4) I am using this job as research.
At the age of 27, I have become acutely aware of my faults, flaws, and downfalls. I decided my life is not heading in the direction I had wanted or expected it to. Something needs to change and it is more than departing from an unhealthy relationship and job situation.
People tell me quite often that "I need to learn to love myself." Naturally, I overanalyze everything and I could drive myself crazy wondering what that means.
Me: "I totally love myself. I shop for new clothes. I paint. I treat myself to delicious meals. What do you mean I don't love myself???"
That's a pretty abstract idea so I am hoping yoga sheds some light on this question and the thousands of others buzzing around my head.
Can I be emotionally transformed? Why am I so egotistical? Can I learn to control myself and my anger? Will I be in the best shape of my life by practicing yoga 5 times a week? Is it possible to change my diet after a lifetime love affair with fried foods and sweets? Will the relationships I seek be healthier and more fulfilling? Can I learn to love myself (at the very least) so people stop telling me I have to?
Will yoga get me there in a year's time? What will I gain or not gain for that matter?
Recently, I have exited a two year relationship and left my office job in Manhattan to work full time in a yoga studio as a "Yoga Advisor" (which is essentially yoga sales). My job history consists of a mixture of dull office assistant jobs to the ever exciting but not quite as stable sales positions. I generally prefer sales because it offers me a sense of independence and creativity. I left my previous (salary + full benefits) gig for my current job for a few reasons.
1) The Yoga Industry is a rapidly growing industry worth $6 billion in the U.S. alone.
2) I wanted to work somewhere I felt emotionally supported and balanced.
3) I wanted to practice yoga.
4) I am using this job as research.
At the age of 27, I have become acutely aware of my faults, flaws, and downfalls. I decided my life is not heading in the direction I had wanted or expected it to. Something needs to change and it is more than departing from an unhealthy relationship and job situation.
People tell me quite often that "I need to learn to love myself." Naturally, I overanalyze everything and I could drive myself crazy wondering what that means.
Me: "I totally love myself. I shop for new clothes. I paint. I treat myself to delicious meals. What do you mean I don't love myself???"
That's a pretty abstract idea so I am hoping yoga sheds some light on this question and the thousands of others buzzing around my head.
Can I be emotionally transformed? Why am I so egotistical? Can I learn to control myself and my anger? Will I be in the best shape of my life by practicing yoga 5 times a week? Is it possible to change my diet after a lifetime love affair with fried foods and sweets? Will the relationships I seek be healthier and more fulfilling? Can I learn to love myself (at the very least) so people stop telling me I have to?
Will yoga get me there in a year's time? What will I gain or not gain for that matter?
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