The Lotus Grows Out of Mud and Muck

I am writing "Lotus in Bloom" as a way to reflect on everything I am learning from practicing and living yoga. Throughout this blog I am going to be completely and maybe even uncomfortably honest about my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual state so that I (and anyone else reading this) can properly evaluate any changes and transformations that may occur.

Recently, I have exited a two year relationship and left my office job in Manhattan to work full time in a yoga studio as a "Yoga Advisor" (which is essentially yoga sales). My job history consists of a mixture of dull office assistant jobs to the ever exciting but not quite as stable sales positions. I generally prefer sales because it offers me a sense of independence and creativity. I left my previous (salary + full benefits) gig for my current job for a few reasons.

1) The Yoga Industry is a rapidly growing industry worth $6 billion in the U.S. alone.

2) I wanted to work somewhere I felt emotionally supported and balanced.

3) I wanted to practice yoga.

4) I am using this job as research.

At the age of 27, I have become acutely aware of my faults, flaws, and downfalls. I decided my life is not heading in the direction I had wanted or expected it to. Something needs to change and it is more than departing from an unhealthy relationship and job situation.

People tell me quite often that "I need to learn to love myself." Naturally, I overanalyze everything and I could drive myself crazy wondering what that means.

Me: "I totally love myself. I shop for new clothes. I paint. I treat myself to delicious meals. What do you mean I don't love myself???"

That's a pretty abstract idea so I am hoping yoga sheds some light on this question and the thousands of others buzzing around my head.

Can I be emotionally transformed? Why am I so egotistical? Can I learn to control myself and my anger? Will I be in the best shape of my life by practicing yoga 5 times a week? Is it possible to change my diet after a lifetime love affair with fried foods and sweets? Will the relationships I seek be healthier and more fulfilling? Can I learn to love myself (at the very least) so people stop telling me I have to?

Will yoga get me there in a year's time? What will I gain or not gain for that matter?